Playing in the Field

We played in the field out behind our house and as an added bonus got to enjoy a beautiful patch of blue bonnets. These ivory-colored butterflies were fluttering all around us and it felt like something out of a fairy tale. Rosie was pretty content just experiencing it all and I got a joy out of her curiosity. I have been reading The Last Child in the Woods recently and it has definitely impacted our day to day life. I am trying to make sure now that we get outside more often and that Rosie spends more time roaming independently rather than being carried or strapped in the stroller.

 It certainly isn’t easy (she keeps me on my toes!) but I also think she benefits from the bit of freedom to interact with her surroundings. Besides, mama is always close enough by to make sure no flowers get eaten. ;)

A Glimpse of Life Lately

Life lately has been marked by a major shift for us in so many ways.  From the tragedy of my mother's sudden death earlier this month I have been brought closer to my beautiful younger sister Sommer*. There is no such thing as a smooth transition in this type of situation but we do the best to support one another with love and faith. I find that the best way for me to honor my mother is to do as she did when times were hard: seek out the beauty in life, find joy in the color of the sunset as the clouds burst with splashes of violet and pink, tell your family that you love them often and above all never stop looking for that silver-lining.



*Not pictured here simply because taking pictures of teenagers is tantamount to snapping shots of Sasquatch.

Reminiscing

When I’m feeling all retrospective I like to read one of my old journals and let it take me back  2, 5, 10 years ago. The words come to life and I remember exactly what was going on in my head the day I put the pen to paper (or typed up that private LJ entry). Sometimes these entries make me laugh but sometimes, especially the ones from early on, make me sort of want to cry.

I know it so ridiculous. But in my defense, I am a lot more sentimental these days then I was pre-baby. My imagination gets the best of me and I worry that Rosie might go through similar struggles of dealing with break-ups, bad friendships, bullying. It’s all a part of life, sure, but I want to protect her from it just like I imagine most parents would.

I wrote this at one point:  “So I wonder if it's greedy of me to wish things were more than okay but good, more than tolerable but wonderful.” And it stands out to me now because I realize after so long that I was actually uncomfortable with the idea of being happy, as if welcoming joy was declaring a challenge to murphy’s law.

If I could, I would want to tell 19-year-old me that it will be okay. Whatever it is that has you feeling blue, it will pass. Life doesn’t make much sense and it never really will AND THAT’S OKAY. I’m not saying the future will be perfect but it will be damn near wonderful. These hardships aren’t meant to break you but build you into a woman who is strong, who knows what she wants and will do what it takes to get there.

Oh yeah and you will have an awesome little family someday so there’s definitely that to look forward to. 

Life Isn't Always Glitter & Bunnies But That Doesn't Mean it Isn't Wonderful

"Why shouldn't you be blissfully, delectably, head-over-heels in love with yourself?"-Gala Darling


Reading Gala Darling's blog is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. It's like watching Keeping up the Kardashians when Stephen isn't home or sneaking a peak at an issue of Cosmo while standing in line at the grocery store. I know I shouldn't but I do it anyways. It's frivolous, sure, but entertaining.

For the unaware, Gala Darling is the blogger turned internet-celebrity. 3 years ago when I stumbled on her site I became instantly enchanted: the explosion of colors, the enthusiasm for life, oh and the shoes!  She has been labelled the real-life Carrie Bradshaw, an identity she seems to wear like a badge of pride (and honestly, I don't really blame her). She has transcended the blogosphere by becoming more than just a person but an icon. Her message? Radical self love, baby! On the surface, the idea of loving oneself is something I can whole-heartedly get behind. But sometimes I am left feeling wistful when I close her page. I say to myself how cool it would be to hang out with Betsey Johnson and strut around NYC in fabulous dresses all day. But the daydreaming tends to sometimes turns bitter and I realize that fantasies of quitting my job and living a creative, lavish, life are just that...fantasies. 

But I've begun to realize that I have started to lump everything into the "fantasy" category. Owning my own home? Unlikely. Getting out and doing free-lance writing? Psh, never going to happen! Even my most passionate goal of becoming a child counselor seems so far out of reach. Because somehow along the line I have tricked myself into believing that the military is the only life for me. 

Even if it's one I don't particularly care for anymore. & then today I had a conversation with my detailler (for my civilian friends, this is the military personnel in charge of assigning people to various duties). He said I was going to sea duty and that was that. Feeling helpless as I thought about leaving behind my darling baby for months on end, I asked: "Don't I have any options?"

Reluctantly he suggested I could always get out, adding with a slightly judgmental tone: "...if your military career isn't a priority anymore".  

To which I replied, "my family is my biggest priority and I won't let anything come before that." 

And it was in that moment I realized that this chapter in my life: the uniform, the sock-bun, the constant barrade of mindless-soul-crushing-work-days could all be over. I got off the phone and went to Stephen and we agreed that it was time. I'm over the Navy. Words I never thought I would say to myself, let alone write. When I finally acknowledged the weight of dread I had been carrying and told myself I didn't have to do this anymore I felt liberated. Determined. I love myself enough to take that first step but more specifically, I realized that this doubt, this uncertainty, it wasn't kind. I wasn't being kind to myself. For awhile now I have sat on the fence of do I stay in or do I get out; thinking that I might fail in the civilian world. 

But I know now that I deserve more credit than that. 

I am strong and ready to take on whatever comes next.