Reminiscing

When I’m feeling all retrospective I like to read one of my old journals and let it take me back  2, 5, 10 years ago. The words come to life and I remember exactly what was going on in my head the day I put the pen to paper (or typed up that private LJ entry). Sometimes these entries make me laugh but sometimes, especially the ones from early on, make me sort of want to cry.

I know it so ridiculous. But in my defense, I am a lot more sentimental these days then I was pre-baby. My imagination gets the best of me and I worry that Rosie might go through similar struggles of dealing with break-ups, bad friendships, bullying. It’s all a part of life, sure, but I want to protect her from it just like I imagine most parents would.

I wrote this at one point:  “So I wonder if it's greedy of me to wish things were more than okay but good, more than tolerable but wonderful.” And it stands out to me now because I realize after so long that I was actually uncomfortable with the idea of being happy, as if welcoming joy was declaring a challenge to murphy’s law.

If I could, I would want to tell 19-year-old me that it will be okay. Whatever it is that has you feeling blue, it will pass. Life doesn’t make much sense and it never really will AND THAT’S OKAY. I’m not saying the future will be perfect but it will be damn near wonderful. These hardships aren’t meant to break you but build you into a woman who is strong, who knows what she wants and will do what it takes to get there.

Oh yeah and you will have an awesome little family someday so there’s definitely that to look forward to.