Life Isn't Always Glitter & Bunnies But That Doesn't Mean it Isn't Wonderful

"Why shouldn't you be blissfully, delectably, head-over-heels in love with yourself?"-Gala Darling


Reading Gala Darling's blog is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. It's like watching Keeping up the Kardashians when Stephen isn't home or sneaking a peak at an issue of Cosmo while standing in line at the grocery store. I know I shouldn't but I do it anyways. It's frivolous, sure, but entertaining.

For the unaware, Gala Darling is the blogger turned internet-celebrity. 3 years ago when I stumbled on her site I became instantly enchanted: the explosion of colors, the enthusiasm for life, oh and the shoes!  She has been labelled the real-life Carrie Bradshaw, an identity she seems to wear like a badge of pride (and honestly, I don't really blame her). She has transcended the blogosphere by becoming more than just a person but an icon. Her message? Radical self love, baby! On the surface, the idea of loving oneself is something I can whole-heartedly get behind. But sometimes I am left feeling wistful when I close her page. I say to myself how cool it would be to hang out with Betsey Johnson and strut around NYC in fabulous dresses all day. But the daydreaming tends to sometimes turns bitter and I realize that fantasies of quitting my job and living a creative, lavish, life are just that...fantasies. 

But I've begun to realize that I have started to lump everything into the "fantasy" category. Owning my own home? Unlikely. Getting out and doing free-lance writing? Psh, never going to happen! Even my most passionate goal of becoming a child counselor seems so far out of reach. Because somehow along the line I have tricked myself into believing that the military is the only life for me. 

Even if it's one I don't particularly care for anymore. & then today I had a conversation with my detailler (for my civilian friends, this is the military personnel in charge of assigning people to various duties). He said I was going to sea duty and that was that. Feeling helpless as I thought about leaving behind my darling baby for months on end, I asked: "Don't I have any options?"

Reluctantly he suggested I could always get out, adding with a slightly judgmental tone: "...if your military career isn't a priority anymore".  

To which I replied, "my family is my biggest priority and I won't let anything come before that." 

And it was in that moment I realized that this chapter in my life: the uniform, the sock-bun, the constant barrade of mindless-soul-crushing-work-days could all be over. I got off the phone and went to Stephen and we agreed that it was time. I'm over the Navy. Words I never thought I would say to myself, let alone write. When I finally acknowledged the weight of dread I had been carrying and told myself I didn't have to do this anymore I felt liberated. Determined. I love myself enough to take that first step but more specifically, I realized that this doubt, this uncertainty, it wasn't kind. I wasn't being kind to myself. For awhile now I have sat on the fence of do I stay in or do I get out; thinking that I might fail in the civilian world. 

But I know now that I deserve more credit than that. 

I am strong and ready to take on whatever comes next.