Why Attachment Parenting Needs a Change

I am no stranger to the attachment parenting style and our family even practices certain aspects of it. For instance, I am a huge advocate for babywearing as well as breastfeeding. I think an approach to parenting based on love and not violence is important. Co-sleeping isn’t our thing but I don’t have any problem with it when it’s done safely. And going beyond that, I consider myself well versed in Bowlby’s attachment theory (which inspired Sears to come up with attachment parenting in the first place).

But at the end of the day, you won’t find me eager to fit into the label of an “AP mom”. And here’s why.

Plainly put, the culture of attachment parenting is skewed. Despite being called attachment parenting, it really only puts responsibility on the mother to carry out every task and fulfill unrealistic expectations of never leaving your child’s sight. Dr. Wootan, an expert on AP, lays the framework for creating these mommy martyrs in his piece. Basically, dads don’t suffice in childrearing whatsoever so mama, forget your own needs for the next few years and don’t leave the home alone. Ever.

So the alienation of a father’s role in attachment parenting is a big one for me. I have higher expectations for the progressive parenting community and think we are doing our family’s an injustice by minimizing the partnership that comes with parenting.

Luckily I am not the only one who agrees that attachment parenting could use a healthy dose of feminism. Another aspect that kind of grinds my gears is the marginalization of mothers who work. I have gotten into more than one contentious argument in natural parenting groups with women who “can’t understand” how some families could use daycares or formula.

What always got me was the complete failure to understand the luxury of practicing AP. Some mothers work, either by necessity of needing the income or by choice. Why is it instead of guilt-tripping them, do advocates of AP such as Dr. Wootan not do more to help families demand better systems? Improve our country’s horrendous maternity/ sick leave, or better yet promote paternal leave too; how about opening up some national dialogue for improving the quality of daycares for low-income families? If strengthening the bond of parent and child is truly the aim of attachment parenting, I’d love to see more concerted effort to improving the quality of life for families instead of demanding mothers fill in the gaps our society has created between being both the always available parent and the individual. 

I like what Blue Milk had to say: “Mothering is an act that occurs in a relationship, with all the compromise that implies. It is not the subjugation of one’s needs entirely for the benefit of another. It is not an act of guilt. It is an act involving sacrifice not martyrdom.”