Birthing Without Fear

Mother and Child, Gustav Klimt. One of my most favorite works of art.

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Birthing without fear is a phrase that held little weight for me before Rose’s birth. When I was pregnant with her I never imagined anything could go wrong or that the process of giving birth would pose any challenges. So many women before me had said your body will know what to do.

Except despite a very healthy pregnancy there were complications during Rosie’s delivery that couldn’t have been foreseen. I don’t share her birth story because, well, it wasn’t the peaceful experience I had imagined and it left me feeling traumatized. I don’t want to impart that experience on anyone else or make another expectant mother feel like my situation was the norm.  

I knew with this second pregnancy there would be new challenges for me to face that weren’t on my radar at all last time.

Up until this point, reading Ina Mays books and stories of happy natural births left me subconsciously feeling bitter. But I didn’t label these feelings as such until talking to Stephen about it.  On the surface I was relieved that I got healthy baby and survived the complications but deep down I think I was sad that things went so awry, so far from that “mental picture” I had painted of what it was going to be like. It doesn’t help that sometimes in the “natural parenting” community there is an unspoken competition to have the most magical, breath-taking birth experience. 

Those negative emotions boiled inside me before I finally made the conscious decision to relinquish them.   I began to meditate in the early hush of the morning, honing my thoughts to a more positive place. As the saying goes, comparison is the thief of joy.  Not just comparing oneself to others but also comparing past experiences with the present. Bottom line, dwelling on the past just isn’t very zen.

I feel a tremendous level of peace now and while I can’t say if I have shaken my anxieties for good, I do feel like I am in a better place. I try to reaffirm it daily by enjoying the moment and embracing the changes of my body as the little one grows.

Why Attachment Parenting Needs a Change

I am no stranger to the attachment parenting style and our family even practices certain aspects of it. For instance, I am a huge advocate for babywearing as well as breastfeeding. I think an approach to parenting based on love and not violence is important. Co-sleeping isn’t our thing but I don’t have any problem with it when it’s done safely. And going beyond that, I consider myself well versed in Bowlby’s attachment theory (which inspired Sears to come up with attachment parenting in the first place).

But at the end of the day, you won’t find me eager to fit into the label of an “AP mom”. And here’s why.

Plainly put, the culture of attachment parenting is skewed. Despite being called attachment parenting, it really only puts responsibility on the mother to carry out every task and fulfill unrealistic expectations of never leaving your child’s sight. Dr. Wootan, an expert on AP, lays the framework for creating these mommy martyrs in his piece. Basically, dads don’t suffice in childrearing whatsoever so mama, forget your own needs for the next few years and don’t leave the home alone. Ever.

So the alienation of a father’s role in attachment parenting is a big one for me. I have higher expectations for the progressive parenting community and think we are doing our family’s an injustice by minimizing the partnership that comes with parenting.

Luckily I am not the only one who agrees that attachment parenting could use a healthy dose of feminism. Another aspect that kind of grinds my gears is the marginalization of mothers who work. I have gotten into more than one contentious argument in natural parenting groups with women who “can’t understand” how some families could use daycares or formula.

What always got me was the complete failure to understand the luxury of practicing AP. Some mothers work, either by necessity of needing the income or by choice. Why is it instead of guilt-tripping them, do advocates of AP such as Dr. Wootan not do more to help families demand better systems? Improve our country’s horrendous maternity/ sick leave, or better yet promote paternal leave too; how about opening up some national dialogue for improving the quality of daycares for low-income families? If strengthening the bond of parent and child is truly the aim of attachment parenting, I’d love to see more concerted effort to improving the quality of life for families instead of demanding mothers fill in the gaps our society has created between being both the always available parent and the individual. 

I like what Blue Milk had to say: “Mothering is an act that occurs in a relationship, with all the compromise that implies. It is not the subjugation of one’s needs entirely for the benefit of another. It is not an act of guilt. It is an act involving sacrifice not martyrdom.”

  

Hiking with Your Toddler

 Hiking with a toddler has a few obvious obstacles. They are not quite sure-footed enough to take to the trails themselves just yet and you have to take a few extra precautions to keep them safe. But getting out into nature can still be done with young ones in tow with a little planning ahead of time. Today, I want to share some of the things that have worked for us. Please feel free to share your ideas too!

1. Invest in a good carrier.  This is the top of my must-have’s for hiking with a little one. A good carrier is one that is comfortable for everyone, kid and parent included and can hold up to lots of movement. Depending on the type of trail you might feel comfortable with a ringsling or wrap if it is a mostly flat terrain.

I’ve seen some folks use structured carriers like Ergos too but personally the Deuter is the only carrier I will swear by for long strenuous hikes. It has several straps to keep the child secure while it sits high so they can get a clear view of the world around them. It also has a very decent sized compartment under the seat, perfect for storing supplies (we usually carry a gallon jug of water in ours) and you can invest a little extra to get a canopy.  But above all, it is extremely comfortable and I found that it distributes the weight very well.

2. Dress your little one accordingly. This may be a no-brainer but it is important to dress your little one according to the weather and remember that they can get colder in the carrier since they won’t be moving like you to warm up their little bodies.

3. Pack some healthy snacks. I shared this awesome granola bar recipe awhile back that you can make from scratch. Bananas are good for boost of energy too. Of course, don’t forget to bring plenty of water too. I like kleen canteens best but all that matters really is that you and the little one stay hydrated!

4. Take rest stops at least every hour. It’s recommended to take rest stops every hour, letting your toddler stretch their legs and get their diaper changed, reapply sunblock, have a little snack, ect. But if it’s their first time in the carrier they might need more frequent breaks.

5. Other items worth mentioning: Sunscreen, hats, 

wet bags, and a basic first aid. It’s always good to be prepared, regardless of whether you have a toddler on the trail or not, but these are a few things I really think are important to have with you. The wet bag is something I find particularly useful versus just bringing a plastic bag for soiled diapers. 

6. Lastly, plan accordingly and have fun. If it’s your first time out on the trails with your toddler there might be an adjustment period for both of you. Give them some time to get used to being in the carrier but don’t overdo it and pick an easy short path to start with. Involve your little one too! Talk to them about the different wildlife you come across. I’m a bit of a nerd for flora and fauna (Stephen thinks I was destined to be a park ranger haha) and personally enjoy collecting guides for areas so I can tell Rosie little details about the things that we find on our hikes.

Enjoy!

  

Loving The Colder Weather

After a certain point in life, the holidays lost their magic for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas just became another couple days out of the year. I know I'm not alone in this, but having a kid has rekindled my love for this season of cheer. Rosie is at an especially awesome age because she appreciates the decorations, the yummy foods, and the Frank Sinatra Christmas album ("waltzing" with papa is her favorite thing to do). I haven't quite gotten to the point where I am hanging up stockings but I think we might soon. Also...a little Elf may be making his comeback soon on daresay...a shelf?! 

We ventured out to the park the other day even though we missed her playgroup. Rosie was having so much fun, I had a hard time getting her to leave the playground but man did she nap well haha.

That's all for now! Have a great day everyone!

Banning the Terrible Two's

My daughter is at the age where “no” has snuck itself into her daily vocabulary and emotional outbursts are to be expected regularly. Just the other day she had a hysterical meltdown that had I not watched it unfold, I would have thought something horrific had happened.  But nope.

She spilt water on the couch.

That was it.

And oh the tragedy! She wailed, “AGUAAAAAAA!” and repeatedly tried to scoop up the water.

I comforted her even though in my head I am thinking this is completely absurd, kid; But I was also wondering if this was a preview of the months ahead. For the record, I don’t really like the phrase “Terrible Twos”. It sounds menacing and makes me think it’s the title of a horror movie with a cheesy tagline: dreadful things come in pairs!

Joking aside, I think adopting that mentality might give me more apprehension than I need. When my daughter starts having a major meltdown I try to remind myself of the quote:

 “Your child isn’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.”

 And that nugget of truth is what helps guide how I decide to handle her when she’s flailing angrily on the floor in full-on tantrum mode.  Because the thing about this age is that they are on the cusp of communication. No longer an infant, she has a growing ability to express her wants and needs. Between sign language and a grasp of English and Spanish, my daughter can typically tell me in some mixture of the above three what’s going on in that little head of hers.

However even this is still limited (at this point, I’m not sure if she was upset because the couch was wet or if she was sad that some of the water was gone)  and so it’s frustrating for her (and okay, sometimes me!)  when she so desperately wants to get her point across but it’s falling on what would appear, deaf ears.

Not only that, this is about the age where children start to desire autonomy. They want to feed themselves, pick out their clothes (or in my kid’s case, choose not to wear anything at all) and make decisions for themselves even if at this point it’s as simple as not to take a nap.

Do I cater to her every whim? No, but even at 20 months old, I am trying to set the foundation for lifelong communication. I help her label her feelings, give her a choice to calm down. So when she starts to get worked up about wearing clothes, for instance, I try to handle it like this:

Rosie: “NO!” (cue flailing, twisting away from me)

Me: Okay, Rosie. If you don’t want to wear clothes that’s fine but then we can’t go outside.

Rosie: “Outside?” (she stops crying instantly, hearing her favorite word).

Me: “Yep, you need to wear clothes to go outside.” 

And almost like magic she is calm, excited about the prospect of going outside. Obviously not every situation will work out that neatly and may require a little bit of creative thinking and sometimes she is so worked up that the only answer is to give a few minutes to calm herself down. It helps to give her options, feed that sense of "choice". 

This is what’s worked for us and I only hope we can keep going and banish the “Terrible Twos” from our vocab.  

You Can't Baby Proof Mother Nature

Welcome to the September 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Staying Safe
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared stories and tips about protecting our families. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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“What the—“ I glance up and nearly choke on my chai tea as Rosie, my daring 18-month-old toddler flashes me a cheeky grin and proceeds to leap from the couch.

Just then she tries to use a picture frame as a foothold to scale the wall. Instantly there is a crash, toddler and picture frame tumbling down. It all happened in a blink of an eye and before I can even catch my breath she is standing up, perfectly fine and ready for her next “big climb”.  I don’t even have to wonder where she gets it. As a rock climber’s daughter she had seen her parents do the same thing just last weekend.

We spend a majority of our free time outside, if not in our garden than usually hitting the trails and exploring the Texan landscape. For Rosie the outdoors is all she has ever known. And as a mom, I delight in her joy as she sees a lizard dart across a rock and the way she giggles when she finds a twig to hold. Sorry Fisher Price, there is no substituting that simplistic happiness.

One thing I learned early on is that you can’t baby proof Mother Nature. And so I arrive at this parental impasse of keeping a curious (daresay fearless) toddler safe in an environment with plenty of dangers. Luckily I can personally minimize many of these myself by practicing common sense when it comes to hiking with a toddler. However the greatest asset is passing this  knowledge along to my daughter so that the outdoors will continue to be a place of comfort for her. It is certainly a work in progress, one that requires both infinite patience (“No sweetie, you cannot eat that rock…yep dirt tastes pretty gross, huh?”) and lots of diligence.

But the trade-off is pretty great too: I get a child who thrives in nature and has a constant curiosity about the world around her. 

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be updated by afternoon September 10 with all the carnival links.)

• Stranger Danger — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her approach to the topic of "strangers" and why she prefers to avoid that word, instead opting to help her 4-year-old understand what sorts of contact with adults is appropriate and whom to seek help from should she ever need it.
• We are the FDA — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger makes the case that when it comes to food and drugs, parents are necessarily both their kids' best proponent of healthy eating and defense against unsafe products.
• You Can't Baby Proof Mother Nature — Nicole Lauren at Mama Mermaid shares how she tackles the challenges of safety when teaching her toddler about the outdoors.
• Bike Safety With Kids — Christy at Eco Journey In the Burbs shares her tips for safe cycling with children in a guest post at Natural Parents Network.
• Spidey Sense — Maud at Awfully Chipper used a playground visit gone awry to teach her children about trusting their instincts.
• Water — sustainablemum explains how she has used her love of canoeing to enable her children to be confident around water
• Safety without baby proofing — Hannabert at Hannahandhorn talks about teaching safety rather than babyproofing.
• Coming of Age: The Safety Net of Secure Attatchment — Gentle Mama Moon reflects on her own experiences of entering young adulthood and in particular the risks that many young women/girls take as turbulent hormones coincide with insecurities and for some, loneliness — a deep longing for connection.
• Mistakes You Might Be Makings With Car Seats — Car seats are complex, and Brittany at The Pistachio Project shares ways we might be using them improperly.
• Could your child strangle on your window blinds? — One U.S. child a month strangles to death on a window blind cord — and it's not always the obvious cords that are the danger. Lauren at Hobo Mama sends a strong message to get rid of corded blinds, and take steps to keep your children safe.
• Tips to Help Parents Quit Smoking (and Stay Quit) — Creating a safe, smoke-free home not only gives children a healthier childhood, it also helps them make healthier choices later in life, too. Dionna at Code Name: Mama (an ex-smoker herself) offers tips to parents struggling to quit smoking, and she'll be happy to be a source of support for anyone who needs it.
• Gradually Expanding Range — Becca at The Earthling's Handbook explains how she is increasing the area in which her child can walk alone, a little bit at a time.
• Safety Sense and Self Confidence — Do you hover? Are you overprotective? Erica at ChildOrganics discusses trusting your child's safety sense and how this helps your child develop self-confidence.

• Staying Safe With Food Allergies and Intolerances — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is sharing how she taught her son about staying safe when it came to his food allergies.
• Don't Touch That Baby! — Crunchy Con Mom offers her 3 best tips for preventing unwanted touching of your baby.
• Playground Wrangling: Handling Two Toddlers Heading in Opposite Directions — Megan at the Boho Mama shares her experience with keeping two busy toddlers safe on the playground (AKA, the Zone of Death) while also keeping her sanity.
• Letting Go of "No" and Taking Chances — Mommy at Playing for Peace tries to accept the bumps, bruises and tears that come from letting her active and curious one-year-old explore the world and take chances.
• Preventing Choking in Babies and Toddlers with Older Siblings — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives tips on preventing choking in babies and toddlers along with Montessori-inspired tips for preventing choking in babies and toddlers who have older siblings working with small objects.
• Keeping Our Children Safe: A Community and National Priority — September has many days and weeks dedicated to issues of safety; however, none stir the emotions as does Patriot Day which honors those slain the terrorist attacks. Along with honoring the victims, safety officals want parents to be ready in the event of another disaster whether caused by terrorists or nature. Here are their top tips from Mary at Mary-andering Creatively.
• A Complete Family: Merging Pets and Offspring — Ana at Panda & Ananaso shares the ground rules that she laid out for herself, her big brown dog, and later her baby to ensure a happy, safe, and complete family.
• Be Brave — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about helping her kids learn to be brave so that they can stay safe, even when she's not around.
• Catchy Phrasing — Momma Jorje just shares one quick tip for helping kids learn about safety. She assures there are examples provided.
• Know Your Kid — Alisha at Cinnamon&Sassfras refutes the idea that children are unpredictable.
• Surprising car seat myths — Choosing a car seat is a big, important decision with lots of variables. But there are some ways to simplify it and make sure you have made the safest choice for your family. Megan at Mama Seeds shares how, plus some surprising myths that changed her approach to cars eats completely!
• I Never Tell My Kids To Be Careful — Kim is Raising Babes, Naturally, by staying present and avoiding the phrase "be careful!"