The Beginning

I wish I could say the moment I found out I was pregnant was something beautiful, magical. That I raced into the arms of my loving husband with happy tears to announce the news. But the reality was this: There was no husband, there was an on-again-off-again love interest. In fact there was no one to run and tell. I was alone, screaming and crying in that tiny bathroom as the little smug pee stick lit up with a faint plus sign. It might have well said “You’re pregnant fucker!”

After a few moments (or maybe an hour—time seems to go all wibbley-wobbley when you receive life-changing news), I went to the hospital for a blood test. I waited by the phone, pale and shaking when the confirmation came. I am pregnant. Words I never thought would describe myself. Pregnant. What on earth was I going to do? What the hell are prenatal vitamins? I didn’t even listen to half the things the nurse told me, I couldn’t hear anything over the sound of my own pathetic sobs.

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

Two days straight passed full of hysterics with only the occasional bouts of calmness. Even then, when everything felt like it was spiraling out of control, I knew deep down I was determined to go through with the pregnancy but that was just about all I was certain about. I didn’t know how to deal with the backlash at work, the rude questions and side-comments. Suddenly I felt exposed, like my privacy had been stripped away completely. Who’s the dad? I didn’t even know you were dating someone. Was it an accident? What are you going to do, do you plan on keeping it? Hi, I don’t know you very well but I’m going to ask some extremely intrusive things.

Tact, as we all know, is a rare commodity. And it all but evaporates from the lips of people when they find out you are pregnant. But it’s been a funny thing. The moment I saw her moving on the ultrasound, she became real to me and nothing else mattered. Not what some dumbass on FB said or the snotty comment from the chick who works down the hall. They could shove it where the sun don’t shine because LOOK IT THAT BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL! It was a like a catalyst when it finally sank in that I was going to be a mom. Suddenly this drifting through life wasn’t enough, I needed to sort my priorities out and make some positive changes. Dumping toxic relationships came first followed by getting my education. I still have a ways to go but for the first time in my life I feel like I’m where I need to be, building something extraordinary for my daughter and I.